Selfishness: A Lonely Place

I was confronted this week with a person I hadn't seen in awhile. I was confronted with a different side of myself that I didn't like. It scared me and made me stop and think...stop and cry. Sometimes life has a way of hitting me square between the eyes, giving me a much needed wake-up call.


I'm typically the person that likes to look at my glass as being half-full. A person that always "finds the penny in the pile of poo," as my mom would say. But I wasn't that person at all. A Negative Nellie, a Debbie Downer, a Moody Margaret (I just made that last one up in case you hadn't noticed) would better describe me.


All that negativity put me in a state of depression. Little things the kids would do instantly set me off. Erik would just look at me and I would loose it. I was finding myself angry all the time. At what? Nothing.


I have a God that cares about me. I have an incredible family that loves me. I am surrounded by the most amazing people in my life. I live in a gorgeous place and I am constantly confronted with blessing. But if I am not willing to recognize those blessings then my world becomes very dark.


I was blinded by circumstances; not willing to see the love around me and living in a state of complete selfishness. It's a nasty place...dark, scary, lonely.


I know that God takes us down into the valley so we can appreciate the mountain top and so for that I am thankful. I am also thankful for a husband who is so willing to stick by me through everything life brings; the good, the bad and the in-between.


It was Sunday morning and we were sitting at our computers. I was in my office and he was on the couch. We had already had a discussion at length about everything, but he knew I needed some space. So he sent me an email and then watched me cry at my desk.


Honey,

I love you very much. I know you are a wonderful mommy and you deserve to hear it. Not to mention, you're a wonderful spouse, friend, lover, buddy, sweetie-girl. I wish you could see how everyone else sees you. That's the main reason I want to write this to you. We tease each other a lot and I think the reality of who you are gets lost in the playing. I want to take a step back and thank God for everything you are to me.

You are a passionate love. You brighten up the room with your smile and when you come home to me I feel like the house becomes a home. You are the hardest worker I know and you inspire me to be a better person. You care for other people so much that sometimes it challenges me but caring is always the right thing to do. I love to relax with you in the cool breeze on the deck when we have coffee and laugh. I love to drive to town with you on a date and not feel like listening to music because I would rather listen to you. I like to look at you when you are not paying attention and daydream of your beauty. I like to watch you come out of the bedroom when you wake up late and stretch your eyes to wake up. I love to listen to you become excited about your photo-shoots and rave about your camera equipment. I like reading your blogs because I get to giggle at your quirky personality without embarrassing you. I love your quirkiness because it's like the dessert of my life. I like watching the tables turn in our lives because it shows me how similar we are. I think the best things about our kids are the ways they are most like you. There are so many ways I wish I could be more like you. Know that you are loved deeply and forever. Thanks for doing me the honor of being my wife and loving me back even when it is hard to do.

Love,

Beebs